15 July 2026. Why healing is not only about what happened to us, but also about what we may never have received.
When we think about trauma, we tend to focus on difficult or overwhelming experiences: the events that happened to us and the ways in which they continue to affect our lives. But what about the things that never happened? The comfort we did not receive, the protection that was missing, the emotional attunement we needed but did not experience?
In this episode of the Inner Pioneers Podcast, I speak with Dr. Laurel Parnell, clinical psychologist and one of the leading pioneers of attachment-focused EMDR, about trauma, early relationships and the conditions that make healing possible.
The trauma of absence
One of the most thought-provoking ideas in our conversation is that some of our deepest wounds may originate not only in what happened, but in what was absent. A child who was never sufficiently soothed, understood or protected may grow up with a persistent sense that the world is not safe - even without being able to identify a single defining traumatic event.
This perspective broadens our understanding of trauma beyond the conventional focus on distressing memories and overwhelming incidents.
Why the therapeutic relationship matters
Laurel explains how attachment-focused EMDR builds on traditional EMDR by incorporating the experience of safety, connection and supportive relationships. Rather than focusing exclusively on processing traumatic memories, the approach can also help clients develop internal resources and positive experiences that may have been missing earlier in life.
We explore how imagery, nurturing figures and supportive relational experiences can help create new emotional reference points. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes an important part of the healing process.
Healing requires more than understanding
A recurring theme in my own work with inner development is the distinction between intellectual understanding and deeper embodied change. We can understand where certain patterns originated and still find ourselves responding to the world as if those early conditions were still present.
Laurel's work offers an important perspective on how healing can involve more than insight: it can also mean gradually developing new experiences of safety, trust and connection.
We also touch on inherited patterns, emotional boundaries and the ways in which relationships can become a source of healing rather than merely a reminder of past pain.
The invitation to all of us: What if healing is not only about revisiting what happened, but also about experiencing - perhaps for the first time - what was missing?
Listen to the full conversation: Dr. Laurel Parnell – Dr. Parnell about EMDR: Why Talk Therapy Never Worked for You
A heartfelt thank you to Laurel for sharing her extensive clinical experience and her thoughtful approach to trauma and healing.
